Not “Just Friends”: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal

ISBN: 074322549X
ISBN 13: 9780743225496
By: Shirley P. Glass Jean Coppock Staeheli

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Reader's Thoughts

Pam Brown

I'd give this book 5 stars except that it's pretty much limited to recovery action steps for the couple. If both partners follow the steps, I believe trust can be rebuilt and sanity recovered. If only one partner follows the steps trust will not be rebuilt. I would have liked the book better if it addressed how sanity could be recovered even with an uncooperative partner.


This was a well written, from all parties perspective into the the world of infidelity. Glass allows for deep introspection and understanding of the betrayed, the unfaithful spouse and the affair partner. This book is not only a good resourse for those going through the pain of infidelity but for those who want to help themselves become more aware of where they might be vulnerable and to set themselves up to avoid the pitfalls that draw you in to situations where temptation may occur. Glass does not take sides but she provides a neutral place for all parties to learn what happened, work through and heal if possible. She does emphasize trying to work things out before making the decision to walk away but doesn't force it and even provides a section at the end of the book for those who were unable to stay in their marriages as proof that you can do it and recover your life.With many accounts from real people she's helped (identities hidden) it makes it very easy to relate to situations and understanding how and why things happened is a big step to recovery.


good book. very helpful

John Kennedy

This is an invaluable reference book for our increasingly sexualized society. Glass, who sadly died of cancer the year the book was published, notes that most affairs involve co-workers. They are unplanned, yet the couple gradually moves from friends to lovers. As married men and women have more opportunities to spend time with members of the opposite sex, this trend will continue. Certainly people who work closely at church are vulnerable if proper boundaries aren't established.But transparency is a great deterrent: "When we share our hidden feelings about another person with our spouse, the intensity and fascination of that secret are greatly diminished," Glass writes. Glass, who was married 48 years herself, explodes myths about why people have affairs, such as to find someone better looking, to find someone less inhibited about sex, or even that it was an unhappy marriage. In reality, adultery happens because there is opportunity when an emotional attachment forms. As politician after politician has shown (Gov. Sanford of South Carolina being the current poster boy), a person unwilling to give up his paramour completely will have a difficult time restoring the marriage.This book is full of practical advice on how to recover from infidelity and explores virtually every scenario for how things go wrong. Both parties must work at restoration, and both share in the blame. Glass includes common sense approaches to falling in love with a mate again and practical steps to prevent relapses.Another factor in why so many couples engage in extramarital sex is because so many engage in premarital sex.


Recommended by a therapist friend. Marveling at how prevalent the "tragedy" of infidelity really is, as this is based on like, 40 years of clinical psychology research. There is a lot of neutral psychology here, there's clearly no "right" or "wrong" side of the fence in the way the author deals with the situation. Each situation has to be approached according to it's own circumstances. There's no quick fix to a broken heart, but there's some good practical coping and recovery advice here.


Very well written, excellent read and a lot of help to those suffering.


Great read for therapist working with couples around infidelity issues.Also my #1 recommendation to couples to read when recovery from issues of mistrust in their relationship regarding affairs both physical and emotional. Shirley Glass is amazing too. Very interesting read for anyone interested in the topic.

Carey Richard

Best book out there on dealing with infidelity.


If you're dealing with an infidelity, no matter what side you're on, this is one of the best books out there. There are so many books out there on this topic; the market is literally flooded with them (speaks to the amount of cheating that must go on, doesn't it?). It's difficult to really know what will have concrete advice and explanations. This books is good for the "betrayed," because it doesn't blame the victim, it helps the person heal whether you're staying together or not, and it helps give a feeling of vindication. For the unfaithful, it explains how situations can unintentionally lead to a situation where cheating is more likely, explains emotional affairs for those that just do not get it and think it's only cheating when you've done all there is to do, and gives steps on how to protect yourself against faltering. If both parties are willing, this book is a great tool to read along with your partner, to work through the trust issues, to work through any other issues that may have contributed to the cheating behavior, and provide a healthy way to work through the affair(s) together and provide some healing. But it's just as important on an individual basis to read, and even if you've moved on from the relationship, it is one of the best books out there on infidelity. Everyone says they'd walk away when it happens to them, but it's not always that simple if you find yourself there - this book can help you deal with a situation you may have never thought you'd find yourself, and ease some of the pain that is on both sides.


If you purchase only one book on the subject be sure it is this one. Very comprehesive, free of jargon and inclusinve of almost anything you can think of on the matter of affairs. A book expecially for the professionals looking to learn about the nature and treatmeent of afairs without taking a week-long course. A gem.


Jammer dat ik m nodig had, maar ik heb er zeer veel aan gehad.Als je bedrogen bent: lees dit boek! En misschien ben je eerst nog te boos, maar probeer het drie maanden later dan nog eens. En als t dan nog niet werkt nog eens drie maanden later. Of schop hem/haar de deur uit, spijker een dode duif (ander dier is ook mogelijk) bij hem/haar op de muur en heb veel seks met onbekenden. Dat kan ook.


This book is religious, heteronormative propaganda. I read it at the same time I read Redefining Our Relationships by Wendy O Matik, which was much better, even for people who don't want to be in an open relationship because it discusses ambiguity within relationships/friendships between men and women as being healthy and normal, not something to fear or repress. Monogamy might be a goal or an ideal to strive for, but within long term relationships it is usually not the reality. Jealousy and possessiveness are part of the problem - just because you are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you own them or get to control their body as if it is your property. The whole idea that having an "emotional affair" is cheating/infidelity is like committing a thought crime or something. I mean, ok, people get crushes, they fall in and out of love with their friends, whatever - but if we really love them, don't we want our partners to be happy and feel free enough to connect with others who love and care for them? If that can happen with respect and compassion for the relationship, then really, is there a problem? Society tells us that love outside of a primary relationship is threatening, but is that necessarily true? I think we need to question this.


This book was critical in helping me gain insight and understanding into how and why an emotional and physical affair occurs. Dr. Glass explains how and why a friendship crosses the boundary into an emotional affair which then often becomes physical with empathic yet direct language. She explores the affair from all viewpoints: the betrayed partner, the involved partner, and the affair partner. Dr. Glass is very pro-making-the-marriage work, but she offers practical guidance and hope for when that's not a possibility. I highly recommend this book to anyone involved in or contemplating an affair. It really does help, and, with time, truth, and forgiveness, you really can heal.

David Peters

Why I read ItOn a blog I was reading someone highlighted some passages of the book and it sounded interesting. Now remember I originally went to school to become a therapist and thus my interesting probably varies quite a bit from yours. So I emailed the writer and he sent me the reference. Luckily my local library system had a copy.The GoodA very experienced marriage therapist, whose specialty is infidelity, shares what she has learned over the years with numerous case studies and examples.The BadCan be a little dry if you are not interested in the topic and/or not in a relationship of any sort.The Ugly (my opinion)This book was brilliant. Full of fun facts and numerous examples, you cannot help but find ways to not only protect your marriage, but improve it. Straight off the bat she dismisses the common myth that a loving partner and a good marriage will prevent affairs. I think a lot of people rely on that to protect them. Just as she also states that there are no low maintenance relationships. I like what one man said about personal (affair) deterrents. “On a good day, when things are going well, I am committed to my wife. On a day when things are just okay, I am committed to my marriage. And on a day when things aren’t so great, I satisfy myself by being committed to my commitment. This book is suited for anyone who wants to improve their marriage. And if you do not think your marriage needs improvement, or is invincible towards an affair; then you are at the most risk for an affair within yourrelationship.Interesting TriviaDr. Glass is the mother of Ira Glass of NPR’s This American Life. The book opens with a quote from her son, “You know you’re in trouble when the word ‘just’ appears before the word ‘friends’.”


on page 48. Interesting so far...

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