Not “Just Friends”: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal

ISBN: 074322549X
ISBN 13: 9780743225496
By: Shirley P. Glass Jean Coppock Staeheli

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Currently Reading Infidelity Kindle Library Marriage Non Fiction Psychology Relationships Self Help To Read

Reader's Thoughts

John

If you purchase only one book on the subject be sure it is this one. Very comprehesive, free of jargon and inclusinve of almost anything you can think of on the matter of affairs. A book expecially for the professionals looking to learn about the nature and treatmeent of afairs without taking a week-long course. A gem.

Tobi

This book is religious, heteronormative propaganda. I read it at the same time I read Redefining Our Relationships by Wendy O Matik, which was much better, even for people who don't want to be in an open relationship because it discusses ambiguity within relationships/friendships between men and women as being healthy and normal, not something to fear or repress. Monogamy might be a goal or an ideal to strive for, but within long term relationships it is usually not the reality. Jealousy and possessiveness are part of the problem - just because you are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean you own them or get to control their body as if it is your property. The whole idea that having an "emotional affair" is cheating/infidelity is like committing a thought crime or something. I mean, ok, people get crushes, they fall in and out of love with their friends, whatever - but if we really love them, don't we want our partners to be happy and feel free enough to connect with others who love and care for them? If that can happen with respect and compassion for the relationship, then really, is there a problem? Society tells us that love outside of a primary relationship is threatening, but is that necessarily true? I think we need to question this.

Rifka

Jammer dat ik m nodig had, maar ik heb er zeer veel aan gehad.Als je bedrogen bent: lees dit boek! En misschien ben je eerst nog te boos, maar probeer het drie maanden later dan nog eens. En als t dan nog niet werkt nog eens drie maanden later. Of schop hem/haar de deur uit, spijker een dode duif (ander dier is ook mogelijk) bij hem/haar op de muur en heb veel seks met onbekenden. Dat kan ook.

Sara

If you're dealing with an infidelity, no matter what side you're on, this is one of the best books out there. There are so many books out there on this topic; the market is literally flooded with them (speaks to the amount of cheating that must go on, doesn't it?). It's difficult to really know what will have concrete advice and explanations. This books is good for the "betrayed," because it doesn't blame the victim, it helps the person heal whether you're staying together or not, and it helps give a feeling of vindication. For the unfaithful, it explains how situations can unintentionally lead to a situation where cheating is more likely, explains emotional affairs for those that just do not get it and think it's only cheating when you've done all there is to do, and gives steps on how to protect yourself against faltering. If both parties are willing, this book is a great tool to read along with your partner, to work through the trust issues, to work through any other issues that may have contributed to the cheating behavior, and provide a healthy way to work through the affair(s) together and provide some healing. But it's just as important on an individual basis to read, and even if you've moved on from the relationship, it is one of the best books out there on infidelity. Everyone says they'd walk away when it happens to them, but it's not always that simple if you find yourself there - this book can help you deal with a situation you may have never thought you'd find yourself, and ease some of the pain that is on both sides.

John Kennedy

This is an invaluable reference book for our increasingly sexualized society. Glass, who sadly died of cancer the year the book was published, notes that most affairs involve co-workers. They are unplanned, yet the couple gradually moves from friends to lovers. As married men and women have more opportunities to spend time with members of the opposite sex, this trend will continue. Certainly people who work closely at church are vulnerable if proper boundaries aren't established.But transparency is a great deterrent: "When we share our hidden feelings about another person with our spouse, the intensity and fascination of that secret are greatly diminished," Glass writes. Glass, who was married 48 years herself, explodes myths about why people have affairs, such as to find someone better looking, to find someone less inhibited about sex, or even that it was an unhappy marriage. In reality, adultery happens because there is opportunity when an emotional attachment forms. As politician after politician has shown (Gov. Sanford of South Carolina being the current poster boy), a person unwilling to give up his paramour completely will have a difficult time restoring the marriage.This book is full of practical advice on how to recover from infidelity and explores virtually every scenario for how things go wrong. Both parties must work at restoration, and both share in the blame. Glass includes common sense approaches to falling in love with a mate again and practical steps to prevent relapses.Another factor in why so many couples engage in extramarital sex is because so many engage in premarital sex.

Jessica

Very well written, excellent read and a lot of help to those suffering.

Rachel

This was a well written, from all parties perspective into the the world of infidelity. Glass allows for deep introspection and understanding of the betrayed, the unfaithful spouse and the affair partner. This book is not only a good resourse for those going through the pain of infidelity but for those who want to help themselves become more aware of where they might be vulnerable and to set themselves up to avoid the pitfalls that draw you in to situations where temptation may occur. Glass does not take sides but she provides a neutral place for all parties to learn what happened, work through and heal if possible. She does emphasize trying to work things out before making the decision to walk away but doesn't force it and even provides a section at the end of the book for those who were unable to stay in their marriages as proof that you can do it and recover your life.With many accounts from real people she's helped (identities hidden) it makes it very easy to relate to situations and understanding how and why things happened is a big step to recovery.

Linda Macdonald

Best book I have read on recovering from the trauma of infidelity. Shirley Glass was a clinical psychologist who was one of the top infidelity experts in the country (regretably she died of breast cancer in the fall of 2006). In her book she debunks common myths such as "Only people who are unhappily married have affairs," and "A relationship is only an affair when sexual intercourse is involved." As a therapist, I have found this book invaluable and so have my clients. I have met Dr. Glass in person and took a 20 hour intensive workshop from her a few years ago. I can't recommend her book and her approach highly enough.

Pam Brown

I'd give this book 5 stars except that it's pretty much limited to recovery action steps for the couple. If both partners follow the steps, I believe trust can be rebuilt and sanity recovered. If only one partner follows the steps trust will not be rebuilt. I would have liked the book better if it addressed how sanity could be recovered even with an uncooperative partner.

Linda Macdonald

Best book I have read on recovering from the trauma of infidelity. Shirley Glass was a clinical psychologist who was one of the top infidelity experts in the country (regretably she died of breast cancer in the fall of 2006). In her book she debunks common myths such as "Only people who are unhappily married have affairs," and "A relationship is only an affair when sexual intercourse is involved." As a therapist, I have found this book invaluable and so have my clients. I have met Dr. Glass in person and took a 20 hour intensive workshop from her a few years ago. I can't recommend her book and her approach highly enough.

Carey Richard

Best book out there on dealing with infidelity.

Beth

good book. very helpful

Steven Cobb

Have learned quite a lot in a very short time from this book. Her writing is concise and clear and dead on as far as I'm concerned about how all are affected. I like that she includes a lot of her own and others' research about relationships and infidelity as well as many, many stories taken from more than 2 decades of therapy work with patients. It's information that most people don't readily discuss. I particularly like the following...under the heading 'Old Flames Burn Hottest'"People who reconnect and then fall in love again talk about the intensity of their bond and often feel their love is unique. In fact, if their reconnection results in marriage or a committed relationship these unions are highly successful. Nancy Kalish has discovered in her study of rekindled romances that 72 percent of these reconnecting partners stay together."and later in considerations for the involved partner in 'Getting Off the Fence'"For most people leaving the marriage is not the best answer. People tend to carry their psychological problems with them to the next relationship. Old, destructive patterns are perpetuated unless you deal with them, and second marriages may have the added strain of blended families and stepchildren. Statistically, there is a 50 percent divorce rate in first marriages and a 60 percent divorce rate in second marriages. If you marry your affair partner, the probability that it will work out is even worse than the dismal divorce statistics in second marriages (unless you are marrying an old flame from your youth)."This book provides a lot of clarity and a lot of hope.

Jason

on page 48. Interesting so far...

Faire

A very complete hand-book on handling infidelity. Portrays quite well how the infidelity begins as the boundaries in relationship shift slowly over the time, identifies the process of creating and role of intimacy, offers understanding for both parties and honest, though challenging, steps facilitating the recovery. Great book for lay persons, good source for therapists.

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