Not “Just Friends”: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal

ISBN: 074322549X
ISBN 13: 9780743225496
By: Shirley P. Glass Jean Coppock Staeheli

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Reader's Thoughts


on page 48. Interesting so far...

John Kennedy

This is an invaluable reference book for our increasingly sexualized society. Glass, who sadly died of cancer the year the book was published, notes that most affairs involve co-workers. They are unplanned, yet the couple gradually moves from friends to lovers. As married men and women have more opportunities to spend time with members of the opposite sex, this trend will continue. Certainly people who work closely at church are vulnerable if proper boundaries aren't established.But transparency is a great deterrent: "When we share our hidden feelings about another person with our spouse, the intensity and fascination of that secret are greatly diminished," Glass writes. Glass, who was married 48 years herself, explodes myths about why people have affairs, such as to find someone better looking, to find someone less inhibited about sex, or even that it was an unhappy marriage. In reality, adultery happens because there is opportunity when an emotional attachment forms. As politician after politician has shown (Gov. Sanford of South Carolina being the current poster boy), a person unwilling to give up his paramour completely will have a difficult time restoring the marriage.This book is full of practical advice on how to recover from infidelity and explores virtually every scenario for how things go wrong. Both parties must work at restoration, and both share in the blame. Glass includes common sense approaches to falling in love with a mate again and practical steps to prevent relapses.Another factor in why so many couples engage in extramarital sex is because so many engage in premarital sex.


If you're dealing with an infidelity, no matter what side you're on, this is one of the best books out there. There are so many books out there on this topic; the market is literally flooded with them (speaks to the amount of cheating that must go on, doesn't it?). It's difficult to really know what will have concrete advice and explanations. This books is good for the "betrayed," because it doesn't blame the victim, it helps the person heal whether you're staying together or not, and it helps give a feeling of vindication. For the unfaithful, it explains how situations can unintentionally lead to a situation where cheating is more likely, explains emotional affairs for those that just do not get it and think it's only cheating when you've done all there is to do, and gives steps on how to protect yourself against faltering. If both parties are willing, this book is a great tool to read along with your partner, to work through the trust issues, to work through any other issues that may have contributed to the cheating behavior, and provide a healthy way to work through the affair(s) together and provide some healing. But it's just as important on an individual basis to read, and even if you've moved on from the relationship, it is one of the best books out there on infidelity. Everyone says they'd walk away when it happens to them, but it's not always that simple if you find yourself there - this book can help you deal with a situation you may have never thought you'd find yourself, and ease some of the pain that is on both sides.


Great read for therapist working with couples around infidelity issues.Also my #1 recommendation to couples to read when recovery from issues of mistrust in their relationship regarding affairs both physical and emotional. Shirley Glass is amazing too. Very interesting read for anyone interested in the topic.


Recommended by a therapist friend. Marveling at how prevalent the "tragedy" of infidelity really is, as this is based on like, 40 years of clinical psychology research. There is a lot of neutral psychology here, there's clearly no "right" or "wrong" side of the fence in the way the author deals with the situation. Each situation has to be approached according to it's own circumstances. There's no quick fix to a broken heart, but there's some good practical coping and recovery advice here.

Kim Bowen

One of the most relevant books for married couples today.


Very well written, excellent read and a lot of help to those suffering.


If you purchase only one book on the subject be sure it is this one. Very comprehesive, free of jargon and inclusinve of almost anything you can think of on the matter of affairs. A book expecially for the professionals looking to learn about the nature and treatmeent of afairs without taking a week-long course. A gem.

Pam Brown

I'd give this book 5 stars except that it's pretty much limited to recovery action steps for the couple. If both partners follow the steps, I believe trust can be rebuilt and sanity recovered. If only one partner follows the steps trust will not be rebuilt. I would have liked the book better if it addressed how sanity could be recovered even with an uncooperative partner.


A very complete hand-book on handling infidelity. Portrays quite well how the infidelity begins as the boundaries in relationship shift slowly over the time, identifies the process of creating and role of intimacy, offers understanding for both parties and honest, though challenging, steps facilitating the recovery. Great book for lay persons, good source for therapists.


good book. very helpful


This book was critical in helping me gain insight and understanding into how and why an emotional and physical affair occurs. Dr. Glass explains how and why a friendship crosses the boundary into an emotional affair which then often becomes physical with empathic yet direct language. She explores the affair from all viewpoints: the betrayed partner, the involved partner, and the affair partner. Dr. Glass is very pro-making-the-marriage work, but she offers practical guidance and hope for when that's not a possibility. I highly recommend this book to anyone involved in or contemplating an affair. It really does help, and, with time, truth, and forgiveness, you really can heal.

Carey Richard

Best book out there on dealing with infidelity.


Jammer dat ik m nodig had, maar ik heb er zeer veel aan gehad.Als je bedrogen bent: lees dit boek! En misschien ben je eerst nog te boos, maar probeer het drie maanden later dan nog eens. En als t dan nog niet werkt nog eens drie maanden later. Of schop hem/haar de deur uit, spijker een dode duif (ander dier is ook mogelijk) bij hem/haar op de muur en heb veel seks met onbekenden. Dat kan ook.

Steven Cobb

Have learned quite a lot in a very short time from this book. Her writing is concise and clear and dead on as far as I'm concerned about how all are affected. I like that she includes a lot of her own and others' research about relationships and infidelity as well as many, many stories taken from more than 2 decades of therapy work with patients. It's information that most people don't readily discuss. I particularly like the following...under the heading 'Old Flames Burn Hottest'"People who reconnect and then fall in love again talk about the intensity of their bond and often feel their love is unique. In fact, if their reconnection results in marriage or a committed relationship these unions are highly successful. Nancy Kalish has discovered in her study of rekindled romances that 72 percent of these reconnecting partners stay together."and later in considerations for the involved partner in 'Getting Off the Fence'"For most people leaving the marriage is not the best answer. People tend to carry their psychological problems with them to the next relationship. Old, destructive patterns are perpetuated unless you deal with them, and second marriages may have the added strain of blended families and stepchildren. Statistically, there is a 50 percent divorce rate in first marriages and a 60 percent divorce rate in second marriages. If you marry your affair partner, the probability that it will work out is even worse than the dismal divorce statistics in second marriages (unless you are marrying an old flame from your youth)."This book provides a lot of clarity and a lot of hope.

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